this entry is made to remind myself how sad and depressed i am right now. i guess this is a natural feeling. a person can be so happy then sad the next second. in some cases, it comes out of no where but i know why i am in a despairing mood. i alway wanted to prevail myself again my weakesses. I just cant enfore myself to do so. This struggle just blows me off. i know, maybe later today this emotion may dramatically change and i'll be happy again. But in the meanwhile, i feel all these tensions. Sometimes something cant be helped. i used to or rather still do think it's stupid feeling sad or depressed. the world still runs with or without one. So i try not to let myself fall into darkness. But little did i know in particular situations it's hard to aviod. In life, you know what gets you the most? Little trifles. little postponed trifle that you may think it's not important or insignificant. Then when something big strikes you hard. All the trifles are going to gather up and knock you like a boxer getting rdy for a finishing touch. the thing with me, is that when a point comes across my mind i try to capture it. then when another thought floats in my head i also try to capture it too. my mind can only hold so much and when thoughts dont agree with eachother, i guess thats why i' m so confused. i just hate being me. Nothing really special about me. Just one of those ordinary boys you see in grand street park. "loser" a grand loser with out any resource with prople. Am i isolated? or do i just think that way or is that life. i dont see any other activities besides school work home. some people are limited to just home and school. Speaking of so, my professor is really tough on us. it's just a shock to me to recieve such attitude from him. i simply asked a question about the program we about to create and he unmanneredly responsed "where were you 10 mins ago, he already asked that question." you know sometimes when you siting in class you tend to daze for a couple of seconds or minutes, thats what happen. My buddy danny was Cursing at him through the whole class period. "You chubby bitch" He never put an effort in helping him. what had become of him. I'm guessing his disable leg. He lags when he walks. he basically drags his legs while walking to his destination. Maybe that, caused him to be so cold! he probably didnt accept his disability at first then learned to rebuilt himself to be tough so no one would laugh at his rineffective leg. Maybe he's isolated like me. and the rest of us. in this competative world. My mind is telling to me adapt. Once you learn how to adapt to changes then life would be so much easiler. Danny's soft spot. Is it obvious? If not then i'm hinding it pretty good. I always thought "what you dont know cant hurt you mentally." Boy was i wrong, i havent realize this. at times his lines pops in my mind. "ignorance hurts" there's so much knowledge in the world to absorb. how can we take in so much in the limited life span. I got back my free wtriting papers today. I got a C- and the other time i had a D+. What happened? Not my expertise. Everyone is smart and unique in their own way. I just havent found mine yet. Lately i have put aside my affection side. Everytime i feel sad unhappy, i look up at the moon. The moon doesnt speak back but its shine does. The song prima sent me "Total eclipse of the heart" is really a good song. actually i'll upload it. It ues the event eclipse of the moon to protray our inner affection. How some of us suffer in the dark. i dont know if i'm interpting this correctly, but same idea early in my passage; how we are trap in the dark for a while but later on when the eclipse is over the moon is bright(happy) again. What happens during the darkness? We need emotionally support, friends to talk to. Where are my buds? Who do i turn to? Socrates philosophy - true knowledge and understanding comes from questioning. i question myself more than enough which puts me in a perplexed stage. I guess when i got no one to turn to, i turn to stess reliever. Handball is where i can find myself and take control. My mind is blank when i'm on the battle court. i took it out on a few people. I was cocky to them, i just played my best. The 2 on 1 took a lot out of me. I was really concentrated and into that game. the score was 18-2 as i remember. me up by a lot. Then something flashed through and distracted me. I lost a few points but it's was ok. that singles game after finsihed me. I was dead tired. Fisting the ball isnt cheating, but it distroys the whole purpose of handball. HANDBALL not fist ball. Anyways, lets not get into handball. I really could go on ...

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

farewell my people.