Nightmare of despair
Dreams of debris
Awaken, laying
On my bed
Asking questions…
Why am I having these dreams?
Why her I see again?
Echoing back to me.
So puzzled.
Disappointment is all worried
Thought I was cure
From the game of love,
But it just had started.
Madness… am I insane?
Asking myself tedious questions.
Wish these pointless dreams
Would stop haunting me…
A 17 year old
Afraid to close his
Eyes at night…
HAHAHAHAHA~~~!!!
My heart had shattered
Into a billion pieces.
What had happened that day,
I can never say.
It has been a while since
We’re talking and laughing.
But I still think of her
As my number 1 girl.
The only time when I see
Love is within her eyes.
Not in anyone else’s eyes.
I’ve been isolated for so long
That I forgot the meaning of love.
It’s like I’m emotionless.
Now, here a chance,
For me to crawl out
From the gloomy hole.
And live my life.
But afraid to show myself again.
I like her and I could feel she likes me
Afraid it would end up the same way.
Afraid I have to go through the same process
Of denial, then forgive, and then forget
The whole procedure of feeling sad and alone.
Don’t want it to happen again
But I want her to know me and understand me.
But first I have to put the shattered pieces
Back together and build my confidence back.
Until then I hope she could wait.
Tomorrow will be the day, but I’m not feeling the excitement as I should be. I mean … going out with someone you like; shouldn’t that be the happiest moment a person should have? I don’t know. I think there’s something within that is preventing me from being thrill but I don’t know what this “thing” is. Could it be the unsuccessfulness of the last relationship? Or could it be that I don’t really like her as much to feel thrill. For whatever reason, it’s tomorrow. I guess tomorrow it would be the so call climax of my future relationship. I consider it as a test, could I really put away my past and accept the changes. At times I would be excited and thrilled, like around my friends but at times when I’m alone I couldn’t find myself being happy. At times I feel so guilty, it’s like I’m just showing off in front of my friends. I hope that’s no true. I wish Annie could understand if I couldn’t pass my own test that I set for myself. I know it’s going to be unfair and all those crap, all I could say is sorry. Well, maybe it’s not that I don’t like her. Maybe it’s the fact that I put too much hope on her, I’m going to end up in the same spot, lonely and have to end up forgiving and forgetting her. If things don’t work out, we could always be friends. Sometimes I feel have a friend is way better than having a girlfriend. Someone you could talk to and share your feelings too, but it’s hard to find such a person that loves to listen to me talk without liking me.
There’s just so much question being asked but there’s no one to answer them. Some are complex, some are simple. The night has fallen and it’s almost tomorrow. Will I back out? I don’t know… I wish I had never exposed her feeling of liking me. I would feel better and not have to worry. Worry about what? I don’t even know. Why am I asking? I don’t know? What my point? I don’t know. Why I write this entry? I don’t know.
Today was such a bad day for me. I just got shocked by the computer because I was messing with my hard drive. Stupid huh? I guess I’m not thinking straight today, too much at mind. I also fell on my feet and twisted my ankle. OO Talk about bad luck. Not much went on today. Valentines is coming soon. So sad; no date. Oh well maybe next year.… that’s all I have to say. This might be the littlest I ever wrote.
“Wake up! It has been a month already. How long are you going to lie on that bed? Sniff. You know a lot of people care about you. Including me…” Ann said whiling sitting next to Dan, holding his hand. Dan suddenly popped up. “I’m here Ann” answered Dan but there wasn’t anyone in the room. Dan felt very tired; he was unable to move a single muscle. He thought to himself, “was that really her? Or was just my imaginations?” He was so confused and tired to think so he went back to sleep. “Dan wake up!” “Ann I’m here. Don’t leave!” Dan said with excitement. When he opened his eyes, it was just his sister. “Who’s Ann? Tell me or I’m telling mom” asked his sister. “No one, just my angel” he answered. “Dan, I have bad news to tell you” “what bad news. Wow I’m feeling fine. I thought I was going to die after that crash” “Dan, listen to me… Your leg!” “What!?” “Your ankle bone has shattered. I’m afraid that you will be disabled for the rest of your life” “Ouch! What? I’m going to be crippled?” “Yes” Dan covered himself in his blanket and shouted “FUCK” as loud as he could.
Dan wanted to get out of this hell hole, he wanted to leave the hospital and go home. Dan’s parent couldn’t stop him from making this decision because they’re scare that he would suicide. When they brought Dan home in a wheelchair he felt like he was an old man, spending the rest of his life in a wheel chair. At home Dan wasn’t capable to do a lot of things. For instances he couldn’t even go to the bathroom by himself, he need an escort. Dan would open trash his room to express his anger by throwing and smashing. He wanted to move on with life and make something out of it; he doesn’t want to sit at home all day. He made his decision to finish high school since there was just a few more months before his graduation. His parents disagree but there couldn’t stop Dan. His parents brought Dan a cripple stick.
When he arrived at school he was looked among as a monkey in a cage. His friend just looked through him as if he was transparent. He walked up gradually walked up the stairs, step bye step, floor by floor. By the time he reached to his first period class the bell rung. Life was hard for Dan but he never gave up.
“Can I go get some water” asked Dan raising his hand. “Yes you may. Do you need someone to help you?” she answered. “No” he took the pass and went out with his cripple stick. As he was walking to the fountain, he trip over a glass bottle. He fell on top of his stick and broke it. Dan also twisted his ankle 180 degrees causing him scream “Ahhhhhh” He was in so much pain that he just lay there. After 5 minutes he tried to get up but it was hard without his cripple stick. He tried to get up by the support of the radiator but the heater was on and it burned his hands. Dan doesn’t want anyone to see him like this, so he tried to crawl back to his class as soon as possible. It would be impossible for him to make it back to his class room before the bell but he tried anyways. He crawled and crawled but he only moved a small portion to this destination. Beeeeeeeep! Dan could hear the crowd getting louder. He was scare that he would be laughed at. Dan putted down his head. “Look at him. He’s kissing the floor” “no he’s humping the floor” When Dan looked up he saw Shu looking down at him and then she walked away. None of his friends helped him; they all stared at him, laughing. It all ended when the late bell rang. Dan was on the floor next to a puddle of tears. Sniff Sniff
I don't know why am I writing another story. Maybe thats a good way to express my emotions. Oh well, if you had read the previous one tell me which one is better. ok? 
Also, today i took a lot of pictures. We had a snow fight. I took some nice pictures of my friends and me. If you would like to see some, message me and i would be glad to share some happiness. If you have time read my story, if not then read it next time. Good night~~ Bye Bye!! and Sweet Dreams~~
The darkness has just landed on the city, New York. All was silent except the sound of AIM, messaging back and forth and the keys being pounded on the keyboard. It was a tension atmosphere, where Dan’s mom screaming and yelling at Dan, “Sai jai, Close the computer.” Dan was too excited and thrilled, that he didn’t hear his mom yelling at him. Boom!! “Sai jai, close the computer or I’ll pull all the plugs” said Dan’s mom. “Jo make yeah ah? I’m doing my homework.” answered Dan with confusion. Dan hastily typed the last few words… Good night~~ Bye Bye~~ Sweet Dreams~~ and signed off AIM. Dan then turns off this computer and jumped to his bed with laughter. Hehehehe… Hahahaha… Can’t wait until tomorrow he thought to himself. All lights were then shut and the room became silent. All you could hear was the excitement in Dan’s heart, pounding and pounding. Dan closed his eyes to sleep but he couldn’t because ever time he closes his eyes, he thought about tomorrow. There wasn’t anything Dan wanted more then the night would pass faster. The more Dan wishes, the longer the night was to Dan. “What would I do if I told her this? What if my mom doesn’t let me go out? What if? Ahhhhhhhhhhh” he thought to himself. He closed his eyes…
“Hai sun la, sai jai” shouted Dan’s mom while pushing him. “It’s 11 am. Wake up!!” As soon as Dan heard the number 11, he popped up from his bed and bumped his head on the bunk bed. “11 am.? I’m late” he said anxiously. “Ouch” he added rubbing his head. He then jumped to his computer and turned is on. Loading… “God damnit. So slow” he claimed. He then looked at the clock and realized that it was only 9 am. He logon to his SN and open the chat box right away.
Dan: Hey good morning.
Ann: sup sup
Dan: Hmmm what you doing so early?
Ann: I have to prepare for the meeting later today.
Dan: yea?
Dan: Don’t be late!!
Ann: I won’t but don’t forget about the flowers and my red envelope!
Dan: I won’t.
Ann: Okay, I’ll see you there then.
Ann: bye bye
Dan: bye bye
Dan: see you later.
Dan was so happy that he didn’t bother answering his other messages. Two of his friends had messaged him and had something to say to him but he never answer back. Dan dressed up really fast and then told his mom he was going out to his friend’s home. Dan’s mom said “no, eat fist before you go out.” Dan said “ok ok but hurry hurry.” Dan’s mom took a long to cook and it was soon 11:30 am. Dan was screaming and demanding his food. Dan’s mom gradually finished his and placed it on the table. Dan only took 3 minutes to eat it. He made a mess on the table and also on his face. Luckily he took a last look in the mirror to check and he found a noodle on his cheeks. He wiped it off and charged out the door. He ran as fast as he could but no matter how fast his leg could carry him; because he was late to begin with. On his way to his destination he was trying to seek for some flowers for Ann but they all were closed. When he felt there was no hope an on-street flower shop appeared with loads of flowers. Dan was so happy. He ran to it but as soon he saw the flowers his eyes were full of disappointment. The flowers were small, literally small roses. Dan didn’t know should he buy it but he came to a conclusion really fast because he was under pressure. He just brought it and continued his running. When he got there, he saw Ann staying there. She doesn’t seem mad or anxious; she just came up to Dan and said you’re 9 minutes late. Dan gave her the flowers and she smiled at him. Dan had promised her to watch the Dragon Dance Parade with her. Dan and Ann walk to Mott Street where the crowd was. As they were walking Dan cracked a few funny jokes to boost up the comfortable atmosphere. When they got there the sidewalk it was packed with Chinese people. Everyone was trying to get through to the other side. Dan and Ann was pushed, stepped and squeezed many times before they made it across the busy sidewalk. “Look it’s snowing” Dan said. “Where where” Ann asked. “Look closely and you’ll see” Dan answered. Ann scared closely at Dan’s direction. Dan’s face turned red. “So… how you liked the flowers?” asked Dan. Ann answered “it looks beautiful.” “Look the parade had started” shouted Dan. They watched with this undivided attention. They enjoyed every moment of the parade. There was a lady passing out lucky charms and Dan stuck out his hand and she gave him one. Ann did get one so she felt sad. Dan offered his to her and Ann had her happy mood back again. “Let’s go” Dan said. Then they decided to visit the arcade fair before they called it a day. The fair was only a street away so Ann decided to walk first since Dan had to tie his shoe lace. “Boop Boop!!” the truck honked. Ann was just standing there, holding the charm, looking with fear. Dan charged out and pushed her away. The momentum was so strong that it knocked Dan far away. The last site of his vision was Ann on the floor. His vision had then become darkness. All was he saw within the darkness was a flash back their happiness together. Dan’s arms, leg, and neck bones felt like it had shattered.
I don’t know should I be happy or sad. Both of my favorite chatters are on today but both don’t seem to be motivated in chatting with me. I guess that’s how life is. Don’t expect the equal amount of output to input. There’s always an unbalance of output and input. After three days of no messaging, she seems like a stranger to me. It wasn’t the way it should be. I don’t think she’s interested in chatting with me anymore. I’m having a lack of communication. No one is contributing to my social life anymore. I wish I had a friend, girlfriend, anything who I could talk to about my daily life. Its source is so hard to find. Nothing is forever, can’t expect them to listen to my boring life forever. Ahhhh!!
Yesterday, I seceded in setting up a permanent LAN connection in the library. When I sign on my ICQ, I saw a message from Jessie saying that she feels that I don't want to talk to her anymore. I felt really bad because I haven't spent anytime chatting with her. Our timing is just not right. Whenever I'm on she's not and when she's on I'm not. I don't know what to say to her in order for her to forgive me. I don't think a sorry would wipe out her sorrows. I found her website after 30 minutes of searching and wrote a sorry nope on her web site. Jessie had a good website, it looks very good but too bad it's in Chinese. It took me a long time to understand how to leave a message. LoL. There isn't anything better than tell her how much I'm sorry in person, so I woke up extra early to chat with her. When I came online at 5:30 because i couldn't sleep; I was full of disappointment because she wasn't on. I just wanted to tell her that I missed her too.
Wow! One of my friends got back his English Regent's grade. He didn't score so high, or should I say she score really low. His failure contributed to my confidence of passing. He claims that it was easy, but still he still did so poorly. Sometimes don't be so over confidence because it'll hurt even more if you failed. He's a junior so I think it's not a big of a deal. I really wish I could pass and get my left set for college. Wish me luck!! I'm going to check today.
Early in the morning, 12 a.m. Annie asked me to go with her to see the dragon dance. I wasn't sure were there any to see so I told her there isn't. She said there is and she wanted to see it. I have no choice so I said if you want to go I'll go with you. She was happy when I said that. It has been a while since a girl as me out. I was kind of nervous and anxious. And plus I have to give her a red envelope too. Today, I couldn't sleep wondering what to do later on in the day. When I told my sister she asked me was it a date and I answered hasty no because I felt it wasn't. After knowing that I'm going to meet her within a few hrs I couldn't sleep. I guess that's me, always so nervous about everything.
When I woke up, I watched the time move by slowly; time ticking, to my vivid climax of my live. I got dressed up extra early and was prepared to bounce but my mom asks me to eat before I go, so I did. I waited for a long time. But then she was nice and calm. I was about to explode because it's the first time I'm meeting her out and I don't want a bad impression. Finally my mom finished at 11:30a.m, this was the time we're supposed to meet. I eat it really fast and I started running there.
Beep Beep, my phone ran. When I picked up, the first that came out was you're late. LoL. I told her I was running there as fast as possible. She said ok, so I continued my running. I went to 3 flower shops but no luck finding an open shop. When I was about to give up I remember the place where I first brought flowers for Shu, so I went back there. Yes, it was open but didn't have the type I wanted so I just grab the ugly ones. I felt bad because it's ugly and I was late. When I got there she was waiting there. LoL
When we went there it's was really tight. I couldn't walk. I swore whoever step on my again I'm going to punch them. Luckily no one stepped on me but a lot of people pushed me. This guy with the cart kept on hitting me with his cart. Got me so pissed. And there was a lady who fell on me. Luckily Annie told me it was the year of the Ram, because I didn't know what the Hell it was. OMG LoL When we got to the center, we realized that it wasn't time, so I brought her to Chinatown Fair. We raced on the car game and guess who won? Obviously me right? After we came out from far from close battle, the dance was about to start. During the Dance parade we talked and joked a lot. The best part was when they were passing out the (paper folded lucky charm.) Su min was with us but then she didn't get one. Only Annie and I got one, I felt so special.
It was soon over and it was time to go, we all broke up and bounced. I then went to play handball and I was mad good. I don't know, every time when I'm emotionally happy I play pretty well. WoW!! I'll never for get this day and will always take good care of the charm That was my day, how was yours? Tell me about it.
Until then Good Night and Good Bye. Best Wishes to all and Have a Happy Healthy Safe Fun New Year.
I still haven't completed the task of seeking the legendary "blue rose" Today, I got a great hint from Shu, and she told me I could find this so call blue rose at a store in Elizabeth Center. When I heard that new I felt happy, but then how she knows what I was seeking for? I didn't want to ask her because it's kind of rude. Then I realize that she's been reading my Xanga. I have no problem with people reading my site now especially her. Did you know that once this site was all about her? Every entry was about her, but something happen which changed all that.
Today, in the morning I went to Yum Cha with my friends. It was cool because I received money from my friend's relatives. Even though I don¡'t receive as much as my friends, I enjoy the tradition. It's sometimes embarrassing comparing the amount you receive over Chinese New Year. Honestly I don't get a lot. Yea! Then after the tea break, we went to watch the Dragon Dance. I felt so stupid standing there watching some stupid dragons dance around, which is just some guys disguise as one. If you ask me i think the dragon dace is no difference than begging for money. They go to store to store to beg for money or red envelopes. AHHH I got stepped on over 10 times. One time I got so pissed I was about to punch that dragon. That guy gave me an attitude, Oh I swear he really pissed me off. Then after the stupid dragon dance I went home. I guess my day end right there.
On television I heard these 3 lines from a cartoon character, "forgive and forget, open up your heart." This sparked something in my mind; someone once said that to me. It was so special and I'll always remember those 3 lines.
Today I was cleaning out my wallet. I saw found something that made me remember a lot of stuff. At the moment I was stunned, everything was flashing through my mind. I don't know are those happy thoughts or sorrow ones. Life is like that, when you think it's over; it comes back and haunts you all over again.
