oh man... i'm trying to kill myself with 6 pages of Calculus... i have a headache... Yawn Yawn i finally finish.... oh yea... i called bobby (my so called brother) ??? man vincent comes up with the stupidest names.... he's pork chop and i'm burnt pork??? lol oh wells... stuck with that name... hmmm he seem to be suffering from relationship problems... just like his "brother"... sigh.... god... i hate school on saturdays.... lol i hate school in general... man i missed high school.... I was a .... B student... lol... that was only senior year... my first 3 years i didnt do anything just made friends... should i keep this type of attitude in college.... i used to be happy... unconcern about school work... hang in homework or test.... but now.... every point matters... lol had i became a nerd... lol hope not... hmmmm me doing nothing now... just trying to help ppl out with their relationship... used to be good at that... but doesnt work for me.... wonder why? lol i always do a good job...  oh  it's getting late i have to prepare for tomorrow.... wells good night Prima hope you feeling better... Happiness to you all ... except me...  sweet dreams all....

Hi... today is halloween.... for those who doesnt know... hmmm... usually today on any year... i would spend the day doing the usual... it's nothing special about halloween.... but this year... i feel thrilled... maybe because of Prima... She was dressed as ChunLi today... wells to vincent she doesnt seem a bit like her but to me she does... maybe because she told me a while that she'll be her... the image ChunLi had melted on her face... sounds weird.... LOL i lied to my boss... i told him that i have a dental appointment at 2:00PM... just to leave early... to meet up with Prima... When we got to the place where we suppose to meet... hmmm some fancy building... she called me and i turned around and there she was.... Damn almost scare me to death... We went bike riding at ... Hudson... i can never learn how to ride a damn bike correctly... Maybe i'm just plain stupid....  oh wells... then we went back to chinatown. we took the "shortcut" a straight road for bikers... hehe... only 2 bikes and 3 ppl... ??? wells someone had to run... hmmmm i ran 3 blocks and walked the rest.... when we got back Prima had to pick up her sister... after she picked up her sister, she looked different... a  face... must be something i said... or indirectly expressed...??? Was it the candy... that she friend gave her?? We caused her to be late?? after she left.... me felt so down... well until now.... maybe for the rest of the day... Wells Hope she's safe trick or treating.... Ahhh..... oh yea... bobby said i'm right...!! HAHAHA ... you know i'm alway right.... wells especially at these things... Wells... hope you feel better too....I'm having a headache thinking.... better get some rest... ...... ........... ............ ............ ........... .......... ........... ............ lalalallalalala going crazy..................................................................................................... is there a doc in the house................. a Psychologist Anyone........

     It Finally happened!!  lol... Ahhh.... i never thought it was gonna happen... but i guess it's my turn after all... i cut myself today!!...  Damn.. the long bloody scare runs from the center to the side...   luck it's on my left hand.... dont know what was on my mind... something is troubling me... but what... ahhh.... love problems i guess... people say only 2 things can be troubling a guy... money any love....i'm never trouble my money... then it must be ther other one... Damn fucken hurts... oh wells it's my fault... should of pay my undivided attention... but it's too late now...

     Oh man... no one comments on my xanga EXCEPT PRIMA LAI!!!!... that sucks so much... oh neways... today was kool.... hmmmm wells after school was kool.... ok ok...let me tell you.... i went to school at like 8:00AM got there mad early... we got a test.... as ususally.... oh wells... wasnt hard... lalala then got back our essay... WOW an A with no red marks or comments hmmmm but 1 word... excellent... lol kool.... then after school.... i went to willaim's home... man he sucks.... took him like 1/2 hr to dress up.... in the meanwhile he showed me his bootleg test... a 92... and he teacher gave them all 10 points extra... basically he got a 82... OMG so dumb... after all that tutoring from me  no pay too... and he got a 82... oh wells... then we went out to eat... corner at grand and bowery... he treat   for my tutoring... then we went to grand.... man i sucks ass... i dont know... i suck playing at grand... more better at seward.... dont know why.... oh wells... and me played again prima's "see fu" dont know his name... with the ponytail... yea... he was ok... he killed me mad times... and so did i... hahaha i got his corner like hell .... he said he doesnt like me for doing so.... oh wells he was just kidding....yea yea... we went to but tofu at mott then ate at columbus park...after we went to CF for the racing car game.... we palyed 1 game.... damn faggot gotten better.... william almost killed me... but me beat him by a bit... damn close game... oh wells then we went to play puzzle fighter there... rather play it at home.... oh since it's free.... but oh wells... LOL i picked Chun-Li .... one of the weak fighters cause of the gems.... oh wells... picked it cause it looks like Prima... man i did extremely good... i got 7 straight wins.till some guy that been playing there for over 5 years came over and killed me.... oh wells.... then that faggot has to pee.... what a baby... we then went to McD lol damn ass long line... like everyone in ctown was there.... oh wells that faggot said he's gonna pee on his pants... Oh look... it's darren... lol he was a McD buying a sandwhich for his boss at the cd store.... we follows him back.... LOL lucky there was a bathroom behind that poster... lucky ass... then we went to eat more...$1 food.... very good... sat at grand and eat there... after that it was time to meet up with darren... kill him in racing too... Oh it's Zhi.... the boss said he's fired cause he didnt come in for 2 days and didnt call.... boss doesnt like that... i said hi and gave him a little smirk... whatever... then he ask me if calvin fired him... i said i dont know... he said he got arrested... i was shocked.... i knew him since 8th grade... oh wells...that explains his absences....as much as i want to know i didnt ask him... what a bat poor...  oh wells... went to CF to meet up with darren... there we played racing together... Fucken machines... froze....damn i was winning too... asshole shit!! oh wells... after that.... HAHAHA so stupid... we waited infront of Dynasty for 30 mins... for what? lol for the sushi to go on discount...darren was impatience.... he said how much is the discount... i responsed with 50 cent  he was like dumb asses.... wells fuck him... a 50 cent saved is 50 cents earned.... wells together we brought 8$ which was supposely be $11.50. saved a lot... we ate at the park... the loser has to eat the wasabi.... we asked that guy for extra.... yup yup i ate a lot... fucken crazy... but i'm used to it.... ate a lot at Japan... nothing to me.... then after that we played handball at grand... at the dark...  oh yea there was 4 guys playing at the park at night... and my handball went to the corner... i smelt a strong odor of pee... and i kicked the ball to my friend... and as he was going to pick it up 3 guys said I took a piss there ... sucks but fun... wells a little... oh wells darren went home and that faggot said he want to come to my home... cause he wants to play puzzle fighter... for revengences.... i killed him 4 times earlier at the arcades... we palyed for like 2 hours... he only won 2 games.... Yes!! i got 10 or 11 straight streaks i forgot... lol he just left 20 mins ago.... man mad tired.... what an exciting day... and today is once of my friend's bday... kenndy...It's a girl .... Sorry

     Friday... pay day.... hmmm not a big check... but enough for a month. hmmm oh yea... today at work we had new teams... i was put with this guy... oh wells... no beef with him... and this girl (Gibi) was place with this lazy guy (david). She requested if she could work with her "boyfriend" which so happen to be me....  WTF.... lol... oh wells... no comment.. and the rest of the day went back quicktly... wait... it's only 3pm... still got 6 more hours till my day ends... what shall i do? hmmmm well are you busy...? you could watch a movie with me.... no?  oh wells....

     ok back... did nothing today.... i called vincent and we chill a while....he asked me if i want to chill at his friend's home... nah... he said he's not heading back until 12... i dont like chilling at night... i dont know why.... me good boy? Nahzzz  BaDboIz

     Fuck... lol i didnt know i had 2 mid terms... i wasnt even prepared for the CS101 midterm... no study  ... whatever... mad tired today from playing against vincent... hahaha killed him like nothing... he's gonna kill me if he reads this... oh wells... so how was your day... lol man this morning i had another dream about her... so weird/odd but pleasant... would i rather life in a dream or face reality? at first i would choose to live a happy dream where everything is a fantasy... the way i want it... but not... it just brings more pain knowing that it's a dream... and it's not reality, as much as i want it to be... new song la....

     Aite... new song for ya... hmmmm dont expect anythings fast/techno... yup... another sad song.... so sad it'll make you confuse... hmmm the feeling like... your mind is floating in the air... cant think straight... nor focus.... lol... aint i evil?  oh wells... enjoy... english this time...             heart for you....

here... follow along...

Lyrics :: Let Me Die [English]

Are we at war tonight,
will there be angels whispering to me good night,
don't wake when the lightning strikes
my heart for you is true,
let no one take that from you
time is running tight,
can't change from wrong to right
So I'll close my eyes and dream a little
Just like how we used to be baby

It's time to say fare-well,
No need to cry or feeling sorrow
It's alright, all in the book of life
heaven grant me one last wish I beg you
Let me say these words before I go

I will love you till the end of time
with every breath of mine, I'll hold you by my side
but I'll rest in peace, my sweet heart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
only you can stop the rain tonight
only you can change my world
from black to white
So I'll close my eyes and dream a little more

Are we at war tonight,
will there be angels whispering to me good night,
don't wake when the lightning strikes
heaven grant me one last wish I beg you
Let me say these words before I go

I will love you till the end of time
with every breath of mine, I'll hold you by my side
but I'll rest in peace, my sweet heart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
only you can stop the rain tonight
only you can give me strength to fight,
till the sky is burning, It's the end of time

look ahead tomorrow, a long and winding road
keep the faith of mine don't let it go
you're the only reason night ain't growing cold
what will I do, without you

I will love you till the end of time
with every breath of mine, I'll hold you by my side
but I'll rest in peace, my sweet heart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
only you can stop the rain tonight
only you can make my world so bright,
life, no longer empty,
with you in my heart, In my heart... WoW you could sing...

.... do you think it's too cruel to aviod someone you really like? ... especially when you know that she doesnt like you back... lack of confident leads to self rejection.... i guess the only time when i have confident is when i'm on the handball court... but i have putten that aside... really lacking... i'm so useless... .... aviod... where's the limit? only chatting with her online? it's kinda hard keeping a friend image at mind... self control i guess... hmmm why do i question? i'm always overthinking everything.... every little thing... one sad sad boy... or am i consider to be an adult? why am so stressed out over this temporary feeling.... wells thats what i hope for... it's not gonna get anywhere...oh wells i could go on forever... i'll leave you guys alone... i'll bug myself... see you around... hopefully...

Wassup all? … hehe i got my test... the one that i was 40 mins late for... i got a 95... hehe... professor gave me a comment... "he sure knows what's he doing" lol ...  wells it's a comment to me la...

     Oh nothing new… just talking to an old friend that I haven’t talk to for a long time… hmmmm haven’t seen her for …6 months. Her name is Annie.

     Oh... Long time no play handball. So sad… on Tuesday my professor told me straight up… you’re always late… I was pissed off… because I was only 15 mins late… and she counted that towards my grade… I’m so fucked… cause 3 late = to 1 absent and 3 absents and you’re out… I don’t even know how many late I have. Oh and on Tuesday I was 40 mins late… and when I enter I had an exam to take… luck it’s computer (MS101) but still… losing 40 mins exam time isn’t any joke…. Man I have to sleep early and wake up early. Hmmmm me doing nothing now… just sitting here and typing… as always. Check out this new song... since prima likes my songs so much... 

     See it now...? i tried to fix it... by compressing the file...aiya...nothing to do today... after .... i was wondering around chinatown... dont know where iw as heading... just leting my conscience tell me where to go... so dumb huh.... oh wells... me got killed by chun li again... damn she's good...

Look at Prima's comment!... so cocky.. which Chun-Li looks better... Blue or Pink?

See it now...?

     My mind is once again thinking. All of a sudden my mind is questioning. I remember my friend telling me, “questioning is caring.” Why do I care so much? Hmmmm again… I have fallen in to a trap, a dark hole of loneness, isolation. I can no longer have clear thoughts; every thing that passes through my mind involves her. Where’s she at? What she doing? She’s been part of my life. I could only socialize among my friends. This devotion is so strong, I can no longer control. Her image seems to control my mental and physical state. I tried hiding, escaping from this agony, but it always come back to haunt me. I tried killing myself with tons of duties, but it just brings more stress. Wondering on the streets is what I’ve been doing lately. Has this reached too far? I guess I’m going crazy once again. Secluded myself in a room with just enough lights to type this little memo, to remind myself how forlorn I am. In the book Death of a Salesman by Arthur miller, Tom finds the fire escape as a sanctum, where conceal from the world. I guess I’m feeling the same way except that my fire escape is outside and I’m inside. I have my little “spot” where I sit and thinking. What have I done wrong? I guess the most amiss thing I’ve done was to fall in love with her. I have no one to blame but myself. My professor once said that when you’re being love by your family and relatives, there’s no need for a romantic partner. At home, I’m not getting the attention need for a human being. Maybe what I’m trying to say is that I need someone that could talk to me and be there for me. Not just a close friend; some one that likes you and transverse. What’s the silliest thing I do is staring at my buddy list until she comes on. I find that pitiful but it’s something I can’t manage. Wow I haven’t realized that it’s almost a year since I had this Xanga. At first, my feelings were the same, sad, gloomy and now, the same; it still hasn’t change. I presume I’m one sad kid. Well there isn’t anything that can be done; at least I hope you’re happy. J “always put a smile on your face”

                                    Also a new song you all the lonely peepz out there

     Yesterday I finally met laima’s little sister… they don’t look alike!

     This morning I couldn’t sleep. Don’t know why la… I woke at 12, 3 and 6… so I decided to go to school early. I was there half an hour before the professor… he was shocked. As usual, he would start his agenda with a morning quiz. I was too tired to take it… but had to… after 3 hours I was glad that it was al over… he ended class with a bad new… I wonder what that could be… he said he couldn’t come in next Saturday… Yea Baby… no school next Saturday… when I got back my test, I was shocked at my grade…. A 100%... oh wells…also following my test was my essay la… I got an A-…  :- oh wells la… better than nothing.

     After class I called William… he wanted me to go over… along with my laptop …. Puzzle fighter! He’s a damn idiot! He wanted me to fetch him a few burgers… hmmm like 4… enough to feel his family… oh wells… did it any ways… me good friend la… when I got there we were kicking each other’s ass. No HOMO… on puzzle fighter… me didn’t get my nice 9 win streak… but I got 3x 7 win streaks. That gayass said he brought a dvd … about vampires… when we pop the cd in… it was something else… not even vampire related… about hypnotizing … a very very good movie… before I left his home I took he cd… hehehe but … after his permission… so that was my day… how was yours…?

     My cable modem is smoking… downloading at 350kb…J  Wow today is very very cold. My toes are freezing!! It’s now 55 degrees and a possible30% chance of rain. aiya… got work in an hour me gonna be late again…L .  WORK SUCK!!… No time to study no time to chill so isolated from the world. Gotta run… see you guys later!